Detachment
by Sheytune
Summary: A look at what Brennan might have been thinking post-Harbringers in the Fountain
1. Brennan

Note: I know, the verb tenses are all over the place in this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bones.

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Brennan lay in bed, unable to sleep despite her exhaustion. In some ways, her trip to Guatemala seemed like a lifetime ago, but the as-yet-unpacked suitcase on the floor reminded her that she had only returned a few days - and one case - ago. The bedside alarm clock read 1:15 when she decided to give up on sleep and start on the laundry from her trip.

She opened her suitcase, and started separating dirty clothes from the books and toiletries. When she was satisfied she had all of the clothes, she grabbed the hamper and half-dragged it to her laundry room. She put in the first load of laundry, then headed out to the living room. Maybe she could get started on her next book - she wasn't sleeping anyway.

She booted the laptop and opened the outline she had created for her next book. She knew what she wanted to do with the plot and the characters, but when she tried to write, all she could remember was the last story she had written and read to Booth while he was in a coma.

She sighed. Angela had been very interested in the story, especially since Booth had woken up believing he and Brennan were married. It was most unfortunate that the psychic had guessed that she had been pregnant in the story. Angela seemed to think there was some sort of significance to that – especially since neither Brennan nor Booth had mentioned it.

Of course, that wasn't true. Booth didn't want to marry her, and he certainly didn't want to have a child with her. He was just confused after the brain surgery and his reaction to the anesthetic.

Brennan had known for a long time that she was attracted to Booth. She had realized long before Booth's surgery that she had strong feelings for him. Even before the trip to London last year, she knew that she didn't like seeing Booth unhappy, but she didn't want to see him be happy with someone else. Eventually, she had to admit that she was jealous, and that she wanted Booth for herself.

She tried to get over it. Booth had made it very clear that he did not return her feelings. He never failed to point out her inadequacies in dealing with people. She wondered if he had dated Agent Perotta – he had certainly flirted with her, and it's not like he ever confided in her about his romantic life.

Four years ago, Booth dragged her out of the lab and into the rest of the world. Lately, though, she had wondered if that was a good thing. Somehow, her work at the Jeffersonian and on her books had stopped being enough. When she listens to her coworkers talk about what they did on the weekends, or hears Angela and Cam talk about relationships, she feels like she is missing out.

She is lonely.

A few months ago, she thought that having a baby was the answer. Babies require constant care. She knew she could love her baby, and she hoped her baby would love her in return. Maybe her child would have had Booth's eyes or his ability to cheer her up with a smile and a hug.

Of course, those dreams fell apart before Booth's surgery when he decided that he didn't want to have a child with her.

Yes, she could have used someone else's semen to become pregnant, but that somehow seemed – inadequate. It wasn't what she really wanted.

As she stood in the operating room watching Booth's surgery, it hit her – she was far too attached to Booth. Losing him would leave her devastated and broken.

When he awoke and didn't _really_ remember who she was, she realized there was more than one way to lose someone. She had always known that Booth wanted the traditional wife and family, but when she saw how happy he was when he thought they were married and that she was pregnant, it really hit home. In the aftermath of his surgery, he thought he wanted a life with her, but she knew that when he recovered, he would remember that he's not interested in her. He'd find someone else and make a family with her, and Brennan would be left alone again.

There was only one conclusion she could reach – she needed some distance, so that she could survive watching him fall in love with someone else.

When she was sure that Booth was going to recover, she accepted the invitation to examine the remains of some Aztecs in Guatemala.

The work consumed a lot of her time and energy, but she still spent a couple of hours every night staring at her cell phone, trying not to call him. Somehow, she managed to keep herself from picking up the phone. She kept in touch with Angela and Cam via e-mail, but they never mentioned Booth, and she couldn't bring herself to ask.

The whole long trip back – sitting in airports and on airplanes, waiting for flights to be rescheduled and eating bad airport food – she wondered how he was doing. When she finally landed, her only thought was to get to the Jeffersonian and find out.

She gives herself credit for being polite to Angela's psychic when all she wanted to do was find Booth.

She was surprised when Cam told her Booth wasn't back to work yet, but trusted Cam's word that Booth was being certified for duty as they spoke.

She told herself that she felt her breath catch from surprise – and nothing more – when Booth jumped up to hug her when she walked in to her office.

Sitting on her couch at 2 a.m., though, she had to admit that her plan to distance herself from Booth didn't work.

Her pulse raced when he interrupted her while she was excavating the bodies under the fountain, and she was disproportionately hurt when he raced off instead of going to breakfast with her. (They _were_ the only ones awake at that hour.)

She felt a surge of jealousy when Angela kissed Booth on the forehead, even though she is well aware that Angela would never get involved with Booth.

When Booth hugged her after he helped her escape from the crazy doctor, she felt like she was the centre of his world.

When he told her he loved her, for a second she thought he wanted her in a way that had nothing to do with skeletons and work, and she felt confused, and scared, and … joyful. He must have seen some of that on her face, because he immediately set her straight. She thinks it's good that he did. This way she _knows_ he meant it in a professional way, and she's not distracted by thinking that she could have the family she stopped wishing for when she really accepted that her parents had abandoned her.

Instead, she's distracted by wondering whether Booth has met the woman he'll marry yet – and what's wrong with her that makes her so inadequate.

The washer buzzed, interrupting her thoughts, and she moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer.

She started the dryer and decided to give up on her novel for the night. As she went to turn off her laptop, she noticed a new message from Booth: _Hey Bones, what are you doing up so late? You heading off to bed, or do you want to meet me at the diner for pie?_

She is overwhelmed by the longing to hang out at the diner eating pie in the middle of the night, but she knows that she needs to maintain some distance (however small) if she is going to survive.

With a sigh, she turned away from the laptop and headed into the bathroom. Maybe a warm shower would help her sleep.

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Note: I think there might be another side to this story. Should I try to get inside Booth's head as well?


	2. Booth

Disclaimer: I don't own Bones.

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The ringing of the phone woke Booth from a sound sleep. Disoriented, he answered it to find that Jared had again miscalculated the time difference between D.C. and India. Jared had been making more of an effort to keep in touch since he found out about Booth's surgery five days after it happened. These days, he usually called every week or so.

Jared was happy to hear that his big brother was back at work, and shared his latest adventures motorcycling across India. Booth filled him in on a health crisis their aunt was facing, and promised to find her unlisted phone number and e-mail it to Jared so that he could call her.

After about 10 minutes of chatting, they said goodbye and hung up. Since Booth was now wide awake, he headed to his computer to send the information.

As the computer booted, his gaze fell on the pictures hanging on the wall. There was one of him and Parker in a park. He remembered the day it was taken – a perfect fall day, just him, Parker and Jared throwing the football around. There was one of him with the squints, taken by a newspaper photographer to go with a story they were running. He had been impatient and anxious to get it over with, and it had taken a while to get everyone assembled since Hodgins and Wendell had just performed a disastrous experiment. The final picture was of him and Bones, about a foot apart from each other, with huge grins on their faces. If he remembered correctly, they had just finished bickering about who was going to drive, and when they had stopped, simultaneously realizing how ridiculous they were being, Hodgins had picked up an evidence camera and snapped the picture.

He remembers that. He remembers how annoyed he had been – and how much _fun_ it had been.

He remembers how much he cared for her, how much he loved her. He doesn't remember whether he was in love with her, but he knows that he hurt when she hurt. He has seen her giddy with happiness a couple of times, and that, in turn, made him happy. He has held her when she cried, and been terrified when she was in danger.

He remembers her sitting by his hospital bed, and the panic and fear on her face when he didn't immediately know who she was.

He remembers her anxiously telling him that she had the opportunity to spend a few weeks on a dig in Guatemala, but that she wouldn't go if he needed her in D.C.. He had been a little hurt at the thought that she wanted to get away from him, but he somehow _knew_ that she needed some distance.

He remembers how time dragged when she was gone, and how much he looked forward to her return.

He remembers sitting at the diner hundreds of time, drinking way too much coffee and trying to make sense of any number of horrific cases.

He remembers how flattered and anxious and confused he was when she asked him to father her child.

Of course, he also remembers making love to her and his elation when she told him she was pregnant, and he's pretty sure that never happened.

Last night, he laughed at a clown – something he is told he would not have done before – and he wonders how much having his brain operated on has changed who he is.

Is this love that he feels – that consumes most waking moments – just a by-product of the surgery? He can't imagine how it could be. It seems to be an integral part of him.

The feeling fills up every crevice of his being – which is why he _had_ to tell her.

Of course, as the words left his mouth, he was filled with doubt. Was Sweets right? Were his feelings a result of the surgery? If he was back to normal, why did he laugh at the clown?

Would his feelings change? If they did, was Cam right? Would he wreck Bones's life by telling her he loved her?

Did she love him back?

Didn't she deserve better than an ex-sniper with a child out of wedlock and a gambling problem?

In the end, he chickened out. He told her he loved her in a professional way. (_What does that even mean?)_

The look on her face before he took it back haunts him. Was it fear? Panic? Hope? Love?

How would she have reacted if he _hadn't_ been such a wimp?

As he hits send on his e-mail to Jared, he notices that she's online as well. The urge to see her is overwhelming. He pauses, but gives in and sends a quick message: _Hey Bones, what are you doing up so late? You heading off to bed, or do you want to meet me at the diner for pie?_

He waits 15 minutes before he accepts that she's not going to answer.

He tells himself that her silence is because she didn't see his message.


End file.
